Handling the wheels of steel is a lot like driving a car because anyone can do it, and there are a lot of opportunities to wreck and kill everyone inside.
As I was practicing it occurred to me that playing a DJ set is a lot like driving a car, especially when there is an audience. When I say that you might ‘kill everyone’ what I mean is train wrecking, which the Urban Dictionary defines as, “One of a DJ’s worst nightmares, when two songs are mixed together but don’t match up.” Obviously this is a metaphorical expression that refers to ruining a set or mix, and everyone is okay.
1. You can take people on a journey, or wreck and kill everyone.
Most DJ’s and producers talk about taking the crowd on a journey through music, but there’s a strong chance they may talk the talk without actually walking the walk. A good DJ understands the crescendo of a club night or radio mix, and throws in some funk and musicality, while a bad DJ just plays whatever is most trendy, and can barely beat match.
2. If you go too slow or fast, you could wreck and everyone would die.
When you are driving a car it is important to stay within the speed limit, especially when negotiating sharp turns or driving past an elementary school. Similarly if you attempt to mix together two BPM’s that differ greatly, it will sound like a bloody mess coming from the crash you just caused. Don’t kill everyone in the music venue by train wrecking!
3. If you turn the wrong way or stop suddenly you will wreck and kill everyone.
When driving you are supposed to signal to indicate what way you intend to turn, which helps you to remember to go the right way. This is like cueing up a track during a DJ set. If you accidentally pause the wrong side or eject the compact disc, you will stop the music. This is the club DJ equivalent of careening off a bridge into a tree and exploding, and all the people dancing will die.
4. If you don’t pay attention you might wreck and kill everyone.
Even though driving a car is simple enough, you still have to pay attention to the road all the time. In this way you should also concentrate on the music in play during a DJ set, especially during the transition between songs or beats. If you do not match the beats correctly at each critical moment the routine will spin off the road and kill everyone!
5. You don’t mess with the driver or they may wreck and kill us all.
It’s a bad idea to play with the person that is driving a car. For example you would never cover up their eyes from the back seat, or suddenly grab the wheel and make them lose control of the vehicle. Not unless you were suicidal and homicidal at the same time. So when you’re up in the club don’t approach the disc jockey and request a song. If you’re in the DJ booth don’t touch the equipment or they might wreck and kill everybody.
6. It becomes easier with practice.
Learning to drive a car is a right of passage that most people go through. It seems like a daunting task at first but gradually you grow more comfortable with time. Just don’t get too complacent and stop watching the road or everyone might die in a wreck.
7. Technology has improved but people still prefer the classics.
If you want to play it safe you should buy a new car because the are safer and more reliable to drive. However a lot of people aggrandize classic cars because they are hand built and have a raw, vintage feel. These may be the same ones that swear analog is superior to digital, and refuse to DJ on anything except vinyl records, or produce with an outdated synthesizer because it sounds more authentic.
8. Young and old men and women can do it, even if they have the IQ of a potato.
Pretty much anyone can pass the driver’s test within a few tries, even if they have no human empathy for other drivers on the road. It’s not that hard to be a DJ either, provided you have the right gear, and say a lot of stuff that DJ’s say in real life and on social media. Unfortunately these individuals run a greater risk of wrecking during a live set.
9. You can do it for days, but that doesn’t mean you should.
It is possible to stay up for several days in a row to drive across the US, but you would need some powerful stimulants, and after a while you would start hallucinating. Sometime DJ’s attempt to break the world record for longest DJ set, which is ten days at this point. However they are probably under the influence and may wreck and kill everyone, or just put their iTunes on shuffle and stand there.
10. Dogs should not do it.
Don’t let your dog DJ or drive. He can’t even understand that his leash won’t go through a tree.